- Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Yeah, I know it sounds cliche, but a lot of problems are resolved by following this one simple request. I believe Microsoft created this complex problem solving ritual to give us techs a quick out when it’s getting close to break or quitting time. After the computer comes back on, go ahead and log in, start up the offending application and the order of life has been magically restored. The invoice is in the mail.
- Yelling at tech support will not get your issue resolved any quicker.
Okay, so you put on your Big Boss panties and chewed on a cup of gravel to make your voice sound real scary and threatening, but you yelling at me won’t compel me to resolve your issue any quicker. Matter of fact, I might just stall you out so I can get you turned up a lil more and make you completely blow a gasket. Hold on a sec…one of my co-workers is trying to show me a video of some irate end-loser — errr, I mean — end-user throwing their computer monitor out the window. That wouldn’t be you, would it???
- I do not feel bad about something you messed up.
Sooo, let me try to wrap my feeble mind around this concept. You call the Helpdesk, asking for help to clean up a pile of poo that you created, right??? Then, you want to put some extra sauce on it by trying to guilt me into feeling bad about the pile of poo you just laid down, right??? I don’t care if your boss is going to ream you out, yet again, for deleting that spreadsheet your department uses to track inventory!!! Obviously, you didn’t learn your lesson from the last time you did the same exact thing. But, I’ll go ahead and throw you another assist because it’s Friday, and we’re ordering Thai food for lunch. Oh yeah…I’ma need you to make sure you’re all paid up on your previous invoices. G’day!!!
- Contrary to popular belief, I cannot work magic; I’ve had to learn most of what I know the hard way.
I know it might seem like some hoodoo voodoo (even the whole “Have you tried turning it off and on again???” routine), but I assure you, there is no magic in any of my troubleshooting efforts. I’ve taken a beating over many years to acquire the ability to effortlessly resolve your issue, while simultaneously not making you feel like an idiot. You might want to give the Dumb Computer Guy some credit for actually having some common sense, but I’ll settle for a Happy Hour draft as soon as I get finished cleaning up your pile of poo. De nada!!!
- Expect to receive the worst support at the end of a shift; If a tech sounds like they’re in a rush, it’s usually either break or quitting time.
I’d like to help you, but there are only ten minutes left on my shift. It’s my policy to not take any calls at that point. You see, the last time I took a call this late in my shift (stupid me, thinking it would be one of those turn it off and on deals), I ended up staying over an extra half hour. In case you didn’t already know, I don’t really like this job, and the thought of staying just 60 seconds longer makes me want to reach through the phone and staple your lips shut!!!
If you don’t know how to do your job, don’t get mad at me because I don’t either!
I know how to get your computer up and running, and send you on your way with the least amount of hassle. Helping you figure out how to do your job is not part of the deal. I’m already slurring my words from cashing in on all the Happy Hours drafts you owed me, so this pile of poo you’ll have to clean up on your own.
Who’s going to Happy Hour with me?